Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: argument, boyfriend, cleaning, ex, paul carvel, quotation, reality, relationship, turtle
The Pirate and I had a brief spat yesterday. We were cleaning the oven, I tried to help him with his bit (cleaning the gunk off the wire racks) and he reacted like an insolent fourteen year old.
I hate the person that he thinks I am.
He sees me as a controlling, bossy bitch who gets stroppy when she doesn’t ‘get her own way’. I swear I’m not – I have been described as ‘too laid back’ on occassion. He just sees suggestions as commands and requests as orders. Another example – I recently asked him if he’d help me clean out the turtle’s tank.
Yes, he said.
Really? I asked.
Definitely, he replied.
When?
Right now.
I got started, and when there was no sign of him after ten minutes I went back into him and asked again.
Just tell me if you’re not going to help, I don’t mind doing it alone.
I will.
Ok.
Still no sign. I asked a third time and he angrily joined me, stomping, slamming doors and creating drama any way possible. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have kept asking – but surely he should have just told me he didn’t want to help? He’s afraid of the word ‘no’. Terrified. Which leads to situations like the above on a regular basis.
This is possibly the dullest post I’ve ever written, but I do find it fascinating the way people twist reality to fit in with their own illusions. As far as he’s concerned, I demanded that he help straight away and got angry because he didn’t. As far as I’m concerned, he said he’d do something then didn’t do it, which led to me reacting reasonably distressed. Which one of us is right?
The operative word in the opening line above is ‘brief’. We got over it in record time. Because I know I don’t have to put up with this forever, that I’m not going to live with him for long, that we’re not going to have kids, because his issues have nothing to do with me anymore. Phew.
In other news, we’re going on a last minute sun holiday together. Yep. I’m packing a suitcase full of books I’ve been looking forward to reading, and leaving my phone at home. Heaven. And I think we’ll get along fine – there might be a disagreement or two, but that’s why we broke up, right?!
Ever been on holidays with your ex? Ever realised how incompatible you were because you had different methods of oven cleaning, or something equally ridiculous? I broke up with someone because I hated his shoes, and someone else because he was so tall that I could always see up his nose. As far as I’m concerned, if little things like that bother you there’s no point in pretending it’s ever going to work.
(The title is a quote from Paul Carvel.)
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships | Tags: alcohol, breakup, drunkeness, ex, lover, personality
I’m listening to Missy Higgins and the sound of the washing machine. I’ve designated today housework day, and retreated to my blog as an avoidance technique.
I had a fascinating conversation with a drunken Pirate last night. He got home at around 2.30am slightly the worse for wear and poured his heart out for an hour and a half. He had many reasons for being unhappy before we broke up, and I was completely unaware of most of them until the wee hours of this morning.
It’s a strange thing, to listen to someone list your faults and analyse your personality defects. I wasn’t angry, maybe because I know him too well to take him seriously when he’s drunk. I have a sneaking suspicion that last night was meant to be my opportunity to apologise and redeem myself somehow in his eyes so that we could get back together… but I have no interest in rekindling our romance, whatever the reasons for its failure were.
Of course I’m going to share his complaints as well as I can remember them:
1. I’ve had too many lovers.
I’ve never told him how many lovers I’ve had, but answered the question with ’Do you really want to know?’ It was obviously an issue of major concern for him as he had a look at one of my diaries months ago - I don’t know exactly what he found – and came to the conclusion that there have been ‘too many.’
2. He doesn’t like the process through which I choose my lovers.
There is no ‘process’. He was referring to a very, very drunken episode last week when he saw me flirting with a couple of men, and decided that’s how I choose who to share my bed with. It’s not. Although I’ve had more lovers than him, they’ve all meant something to me.
3. He thinks I cheated on him.
I didn’t. He’s been harbouring these doubts for a long time, and I know they had a serious effect on our relationship – I could feel his anger but never understood it. I was faithful to him physically and emotionally, in that I never even considered being with anybody else while we were together.
4. I’m (his words) too footloose and fancy-free for him.
I love to travel, to sing, to dance, to talk, to meet people, to drink too much and laugh too loudly. I love this world and everything about it. I embrace the people and the opportunities that present themselves to me, and every day I’m glad to be alive. I think this is a problem for him.
He had another few comments to make. He tried to make a bet with me about my future – that if I ever got married, I’d get divorced. He said that he feels sorry for me because I’m insecure and demand the attention of men. He said he was sorry, and he’d made a mistake. He told me how phenomenally beautiful I am. He told me he was jealous, because I’m moving on and he’s not. He told me he kissed a girl last night, and she bit his tongue.
These are the things you get to enjoy when you live with your ex-boyfriend. The Pirate was never a talker, but he’s opened up since the breakup. I’m gaining an understanding of the dynamics of our relationship that were a mystery to me while we were together.
Of course, I’m learning about myself too. I wasn’t angry last night (a little upset by the divorce bet) and I was impressed at how well I distanced myself from all the negative emotion. The only thing on my mind today is his comment about insecurity. I do have a tendency to surround myself with men when I’m drinking, and I’ve often tried to figure out why.
It’s something I’m not going to get into today – I can hear that the washing machine is almost at the end of its cycle, and I’ve done enough thinking for a Sunday morning.
I’d love to hear about your alcohol-induced personality changes, disorders and defects. Please share.
Filed under: LOVE, Single life | Tags: bedroom, break-up, ex, family, pirate, violence
I’ve mentioned the breakup. It was amicable. The aftermath has been wonderful. The Pirate and I realised, a long time ago, that we’re not ’soulmates’. What we were then, and are now, is housemates.
I’ve moved back into the small bedroom (because I love the cheap rent, and because his huge TV wouldn’t fit in there anyway) and I’ve decided it’s time to make it feel like mine. I’ve been telling myself for the past year that my situation here is temporary; that I might get back on a plane and jet off into the sunset at any moment. Now I’m glad to realise that life here is worth sticking around for, and it’s time to make this house a home.
I’ve been picking up beautiful things this week, and reluctantly deciding whether they go in the office or in the house. Both places are starting to feel inhabited. Loved, even.
I spent the weekend with my wonderful grandfather again. It’s scary how some people in your life can fall by the wayside when one person is on the receiving end of most of your love and affection. I think I’m a better person when I’m single – more generous with my time, and my feelings.
The Pirate is fine. We chatted last night when I got home, sitting on his bed drinking Capri Sun. The main topic of conversation was my friend M, whose life is a soap opera. Her ex-boyfriend became her fiance for a brief moment on Saturday night. Yesterday he hospitalised the man M had been seeing since the break-up.
Somehow I think he wasn’t the right man for her.
