I complained earlier today about how, well, dull our life is sometimes. And I was promptly told that it’s a matter of how you choose to look at life.
Ah, he doesn’t say much, but when he does he often surprises me with his insight. Of course it’s a matter of perspective; almost everything is.
Life isn’t dull – I’m just a little lazy right now. We’ve booked a holiday for next week which will surely jolt me out of the lethargic state I’ve grown accustomed to over the last few weeks.
This holiday has real potential. I’m very excited at the prospect of canoeing and camping. He doesn’t seem excited about anything, but then he never does.
(Unless it involves the pub.)
Things are good between us right now, but the thought that we’re just delaying the inevitable has entered my mind on a few occassions.
There are some people you meet who you instantly connect with on a level you can barely recognise; a connection that runs deeper than words or actions. Just by sharing the same space, the same air, by sitting close to one another, you KNOW each other. You don’t need to talk, or make promises, because you both understand that yes, you’ll see each other again, that the other person is as aware of the connection as you are.
The Pirate was never one of those people. We seem to live life on different frequencies – we see and hear different things, care about different things, right down to the way we think about birthdays and cups of tea.
My wise aunt once pointed out the biggest difference between me and my wonderful sister. To me, life and everything in it is about the journey. The step by step process of making things happen, of watching things unfold, of enjoying the moments along the way. My sister is more concerned with the destination – I don’t fully understand what this means to her, but I know she’s more interested in the outcome of a particular event than she is in the event itself. I think the Pirate is like that too – to me, he seems impatient and disinterested, but he’s probably just seeing things from his own perspective.
Maybe he’s all the bad things, and I keep making excuses.
Oh man.
Maybe it’s because NOTHING in my life is stable, that I need him to be…….. maybe it’s because I have serious doubts about our future that I want him to, just, deal with somehow…….. maybe it’s because his friends are incapable of having a conversation, and because he’s so quiet……… I don’t know……..
I know I love him, I do, I want to be with him, and hold him, and touch him, and some nights I don’t want to let him go…………..
But we don’t talk, much, and he doesn’t show he cares, much, or maybe he does, but it’s HIS way, and not mine………
And do we laugh much, or enough, or at all, and when was the last time he made me laugh til I cried, or gave me a pain in my stomach, or made me feel really beautiful and special and needed………. because I need that, it’s not enough to be endured, I need to be enjoyed, every moment I give to him should be cherished…………..
And am I just upset tonight because he’s making time for his friends when he can never seem to make time for me, but why can’t he make time for me, or why doesn’t he want to, and if he doesn’t, then we shouldn’t be together, should we?
