Breaking The Ice

I’m listening to Missy Higgins and the sound of the washing machine.  I’ve designated today housework day, and retreated to my blog as an avoidance technique.

I had a fascinating conversation with a drunken Pirate last night.  He got home at around 2.30am slightly the worse for wear and poured his heart out for an hour and a half.  He had many reasons for being unhappy before we broke up, and I was completely unaware of most of them until the wee hours of this morning.

It’s a strange thing, to listen to someone list your faults and analyse your personality defects.  I wasn’t angry, maybe because I know him too well to take him seriously when he’s drunk.  I have a sneaking suspicion that last night was meant to be my opportunity to apologise and redeem myself somehow in his eyes so that we could get back together… but I have no interest in rekindling our romance, whatever the reasons for its failure were.

Of course I’m going to share his complaints as well as I can remember them:

1. I’ve had too many lovers.  

I’ve never told him how many lovers I’ve had, but answered the question with ’Do you really want to know?’  It was obviously an issue of major concern for him as he had a look at one of my diaries months ago - I don’t know exactly what he found – and came to the conclusion that there have been ‘too many.’ 

2. He doesn’t like the process through which I choose my lovers.

There is no ‘process’.  He was referring to a very, very drunken episode last week when he saw me flirting with a couple of men, and decided that’s how I choose who to share my bed with.  It’s not.  Although I’ve had more lovers than him, they’ve all meant something to me.

3. He thinks I cheated on him.

I didn’t.  He’s been harbouring these doubts for a long time, and I know they had a serious effect on our relationship – I could feel his anger but never understood it.   I was faithful to him physically and emotionally, in that I never even considered being with anybody else while we were together.

4. I’m (his words) too footloose and fancy-free for him.

I love to travel, to sing, to dance, to talk, to meet people, to drink too much and laugh too loudly.  I love this world and everything about it.  I embrace the people and the opportunities that present themselves to me, and every day I’m glad to be alive.  I think this is a problem for him.

He had another few comments to make.  He tried to make a bet with me about my future – that if I ever got married, I’d get divorced.  He said that he feels sorry for me because I’m insecure and demand the attention of men.  He said he was sorry, and he’d made a mistake.  He told me how phenomenally beautiful I am.  He told me he was jealous, because I’m moving on and he’s not.  He told me he kissed a girl last night, and she bit his tongue. 

These are the things you get to enjoy when you live with your ex-boyfriend.  The Pirate was never a talker, but he’s opened up since the breakup.  I’m gaining an understanding of the dynamics of our relationship that were a mystery to me while we were together.

Of course, I’m learning about myself too.  I wasn’t angry last night (a little upset by the divorce bet) and I was impressed at how well I distanced myself from all the negative emotion.  The only thing on my mind today is his comment about insecurity.  I do have a tendency to surround myself with men when I’m drinking, and I’ve often tried to figure out why. 

It’s something I’m not going to get into today – I can hear that the washing machine is almost at the end of its cycle, and I’ve done enough thinking for a Sunday morning.

I’d love to hear about your alcohol-induced personality changes, disorders and defects.  Please share.