Filed under: LOVE, Relationships, Single life, breakup, heartache, music, wisdom | Tags: break-up, breakup, hug, music, hiatus, said and done, over, daughtry, stranger, embrace, hindsight
Ah, life. That thing that happens when you’re busy making plans. A lot has changed since March, I’m sure, but I’m not going to worry about filling in the gaps.
The last few months have provided the usual hotchpotch of business, love, charity and disintegrating relationships (in reverse order of financial gain, and – hopefully – ascending order of personal growth). The Pirate and I are done, in the friendliest way possible, and even have our own break-up song:
There was a brief relationship with a new man, which was an incredible re-awakening of my romantic senses, and a subsequent break-up caused by his arguing style. So damn repetetive. I like my arguments to have the decency to appear to be moving in a forward-like direction.
I realise now… blessed hindsight… that the two years I spent with the Pirate had little to do with love, and more to do with a lack of disgust, as Eoin Colfer succinctly puts it in the next episode of the thrilling Hitchiker’s series. I do feel a little wiser than I did this time two years ago, but I also feel cynical and disillusioned, which will hopefully pass.
Cynicism aside, I’m enjoying the freedom of being alone again… and knowing that I don’t need anybody else. I had one of those rare moments of insight on a bus last week, when I suddenly wanted to sing and embrace the person sitting across from me. I managed to hold back from hugging strangers, but I did smile the whole way home.
So life is moving on, and I’m trying to keep up with it.
How have you been?!
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships | Tags: alcohol, breakup, drunkeness, ex, lover, personality
I’m listening to Missy Higgins and the sound of the washing machine. I’ve designated today housework day, and retreated to my blog as an avoidance technique.
I had a fascinating conversation with a drunken Pirate last night. He got home at around 2.30am slightly the worse for wear and poured his heart out for an hour and a half. He had many reasons for being unhappy before we broke up, and I was completely unaware of most of them until the wee hours of this morning.
It’s a strange thing, to listen to someone list your faults and analyse your personality defects. I wasn’t angry, maybe because I know him too well to take him seriously when he’s drunk. I have a sneaking suspicion that last night was meant to be my opportunity to apologise and redeem myself somehow in his eyes so that we could get back together… but I have no interest in rekindling our romance, whatever the reasons for its failure were.
Of course I’m going to share his complaints as well as I can remember them:
1. I’ve had too many lovers.
I’ve never told him how many lovers I’ve had, but answered the question with ’Do you really want to know?’ It was obviously an issue of major concern for him as he had a look at one of my diaries months ago - I don’t know exactly what he found – and came to the conclusion that there have been ‘too many.’
2. He doesn’t like the process through which I choose my lovers.
There is no ‘process’. He was referring to a very, very drunken episode last week when he saw me flirting with a couple of men, and decided that’s how I choose who to share my bed with. It’s not. Although I’ve had more lovers than him, they’ve all meant something to me.
3. He thinks I cheated on him.
I didn’t. He’s been harbouring these doubts for a long time, and I know they had a serious effect on our relationship – I could feel his anger but never understood it. I was faithful to him physically and emotionally, in that I never even considered being with anybody else while we were together.
4. I’m (his words) too footloose and fancy-free for him.
I love to travel, to sing, to dance, to talk, to meet people, to drink too much and laugh too loudly. I love this world and everything about it. I embrace the people and the opportunities that present themselves to me, and every day I’m glad to be alive. I think this is a problem for him.
He had another few comments to make. He tried to make a bet with me about my future – that if I ever got married, I’d get divorced. He said that he feels sorry for me because I’m insecure and demand the attention of men. He said he was sorry, and he’d made a mistake. He told me how phenomenally beautiful I am. He told me he was jealous, because I’m moving on and he’s not. He told me he kissed a girl last night, and she bit his tongue.
These are the things you get to enjoy when you live with your ex-boyfriend. The Pirate was never a talker, but he’s opened up since the breakup. I’m gaining an understanding of the dynamics of our relationship that were a mystery to me while we were together.
Of course, I’m learning about myself too. I wasn’t angry last night (a little upset by the divorce bet) and I was impressed at how well I distanced myself from all the negative emotion. The only thing on my mind today is his comment about insecurity. I do have a tendency to surround myself with men when I’m drinking, and I’ve often tried to figure out why.
It’s something I’m not going to get into today – I can hear that the washing machine is almost at the end of its cycle, and I’ve done enough thinking for a Sunday morning.
I’d love to hear about your alcohol-induced personality changes, disorders and defects. Please share.
Filed under: LOVE | Tags: boyfriend, breakup, future, LOVE, mystery, the end
I’ve been doubting our future since May. Last night a wise friend told me that I’d already made my decision – that even spelling my name out in the stars shouldn’t make a difference at this point.
So I spoke to The Pirate this morning, and far from making romantic gestures or proclaiming his everlasting love, he agreed. Neither of us wants to get to the point where we hate one another, and it looks like things were heading that way.
And we agreed that it’s over. That we’ve had some great times, but that we don’t have a future. That we want to be friends, and nothing more.
And I’ve been at peace with the decision, and the consequences, all day. I realised a long time ago that security is an illusion – nothing in our lives is set in stone. My life today is no different to yesterday; my future is still a mystery, and the path I take will still be an adventure.
The Pirate, and our year together, will always stay with me. My love for him, and his for me, will always be part of our lives.
