Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: argument, boyfriend, cleaning, ex, paul carvel, quotation, reality, relationship, turtle
The Pirate and I had a brief spat yesterday. We were cleaning the oven, I tried to help him with his bit (cleaning the gunk off the wire racks) and he reacted like an insolent fourteen year old.
I hate the person that he thinks I am.
He sees me as a controlling, bossy bitch who gets stroppy when she doesn’t ‘get her own way’. I swear I’m not – I have been described as ‘too laid back’ on occassion. He just sees suggestions as commands and requests as orders. Another example – I recently asked him if he’d help me clean out the turtle’s tank.
Yes, he said.
Really? I asked.
Definitely, he replied.
When?
Right now.
I got started, and when there was no sign of him after ten minutes I went back into him and asked again.
Just tell me if you’re not going to help, I don’t mind doing it alone.
I will.
Ok.
Still no sign. I asked a third time and he angrily joined me, stomping, slamming doors and creating drama any way possible. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have kept asking – but surely he should have just told me he didn’t want to help? He’s afraid of the word ‘no’. Terrified. Which leads to situations like the above on a regular basis.
This is possibly the dullest post I’ve ever written, but I do find it fascinating the way people twist reality to fit in with their own illusions. As far as he’s concerned, I demanded that he help straight away and got angry because he didn’t. As far as I’m concerned, he said he’d do something then didn’t do it, which led to me reacting reasonably distressed. Which one of us is right?
The operative word in the opening line above is ‘brief’. We got over it in record time. Because I know I don’t have to put up with this forever, that I’m not going to live with him for long, that we’re not going to have kids, because his issues have nothing to do with me anymore. Phew.
In other news, we’re going on a last minute sun holiday together. Yep. I’m packing a suitcase full of books I’ve been looking forward to reading, and leaving my phone at home. Heaven. And I think we’ll get along fine – there might be a disagreement or two, but that’s why we broke up, right?!
Ever been on holidays with your ex? Ever realised how incompatible you were because you had different methods of oven cleaning, or something equally ridiculous? I broke up with someone because I hated his shoes, and someone else because he was so tall that I could always see up his nose. As far as I’m concerned, if little things like that bother you there’s no point in pretending it’s ever going to work.
(The title is a quote from Paul Carvel.)
Filed under: LOVE, Parents, Relationships, Single life, philosophy | Tags: beauty, boyfriend, character, colour, partner, philosophy, psychology, quirk, relationship
The best thing about my philosophy class is the opportunity to see things from other people’s points of view. There’s one guy in particular that fascinates me. He’s in his mid twenties, has a head of unruly dark hair, loves torn jeans and orange knitwear. He reads a lot and often quotes interesting and relevant material. A few weeks ago he said that while knowledge is about learning something new every day, wisdom is about letting something go. And last Thursday, as we discussed beauty, he made a really valid point:
Once we give something a name, we stop seeing it as beautiful. An example – a simple concrete block, to someone who had never seen one and had no idea what its function was, would see it as an object of interest and beauty. The clean lines, the rough material, the solid form. But when we see a concrete block, we know it’s a concrete block, and because it’s familiar we see past its beauty.
I think most people would agree that we forget to see the beauty that surrounds us. New belongings are a thrill to begin with, but the shine quickly fades and we lose sight of the qualities that attracted us to them in the first place. As far as I can tell, the same thing happens with relationships.
When you first meet someone you enjoy learning all about them. About their interests, their history, their quirks and character. You enjoy the attraction, the chemistry, the conversations. Over time, however, you can easily begin to see past their redeeming features, noticing instead the negative things you have learnt or recalling the not so wonderful experiences you have endured together. That person that once gave you butterflies slowly becomes the person who never takes the rubbish out, who is incapable of replacing the toilet roll, or who infuriates you with their inability to fold towels.
The Pirate and I, after months of single living, get on better than ever before. He’s stopped being the disappointing boyfriend, the unreliable chauffeur, the uninspiring confidante, and instead, he’s just become himself in my eyes. I can see him, unhindered by the expectations of love. He is who he is, and he’s wonderful. Now is probably the time to admit that there have been moments of romance since the breakup. They too are somehow more meaningful than ever before, possibly because the relationship we have now is open and honest in a way I couldn’t have previously imagined.
I think we’ve all had some experience of this. Moments when you realise that yes, your parents are human. That someone you’ve known your whole life is capable of things you never realised. That your partner or spouse is truly wonderful and incredibly beautiful, only you’re not always aware of it.
Ah, philosophy. Did I mention the guy in question is particularly cute? I think it’s the ripped jeans, and the fact that he’s not afraid of colour. And the wisdom, of course.
Open yourself up.
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships, Single life | Tags: bling date, boyfriend, fresh start, LOVE, matchmaker, pirate, plan b, sage
Life took me by surprise today.
I was having a lazy, uninteresting, uninspired afternoon. Vegetarian Shepherd’s Pie was as exciting as things got around here. Until I got a call from a wonderful friend of my mams – an aspiring matchmaker. She’s been trying to introduce me to someone for months, and was delighted to hear The Pirate and I are no longer an item.
We agreed that Someone could call me, and that I’d keep myself free until I meet him! He got in touch earlier on, and he’s fantastic. We haven’t met, and won’t until next week, but I like him. It’s hard to make a good first impression when there’s so much pressure, and he did brilliantly.
I also heard from Plan B this afternoon. Plan B and I met randomly a long time ago, but I’m convinced we knew each other in a past life, or something… we connected so well when we met that I didn’t even ask him what he did for months. We’ve never had the need for small talk. I christened him Plan B straight away, and the name has stuck within my circle of friends. The Pirate was Plan A at the time.
If you’re wondering where The Sage comes into all of this, I’m not sure that he does. He was really keen to meet up last weekend, but changed his mind at the last minute. That’s fine with me, but he managed to turn it into some kind of drama… he didn’t explain himself at all, then said ‘I’m just fucked up’ and hung up. Hmm. It was his idea to meet up, and neither of us really had the time for it - I wouldn’t have suggested it in the first place. I’m fine with us not seeing each other until it happens of its own accord, which it eventually will. He’s called a few times since, and I enjoy our conversations, but that’s as far as it’s going for now.
I’ve promised to save myself for this mysterious Someone, which is exciting in itself – and also saves me the effort of thinking about anyone else for a while.
Filed under: LOVE | Tags: boyfriend, breakup, future, LOVE, mystery, the end
I’ve been doubting our future since May. Last night a wise friend told me that I’d already made my decision – that even spelling my name out in the stars shouldn’t make a difference at this point.
So I spoke to The Pirate this morning, and far from making romantic gestures or proclaiming his everlasting love, he agreed. Neither of us wants to get to the point where we hate one another, and it looks like things were heading that way.
And we agreed that it’s over. That we’ve had some great times, but that we don’t have a future. That we want to be friends, and nothing more.
And I’ve been at peace with the decision, and the consequences, all day. I realised a long time ago that security is an illusion – nothing in our lives is set in stone. My life today is no different to yesterday; my future is still a mystery, and the path I take will still be an adventure.
The Pirate, and our year together, will always stay with me. My love for him, and his for me, will always be part of our lives.
Oh man.
Maybe it’s because NOTHING in my life is stable, that I need him to be…….. maybe it’s because I have serious doubts about our future that I want him to, just, deal with somehow…….. maybe it’s because his friends are incapable of having a conversation, and because he’s so quiet……… I don’t know……..
I know I love him, I do, I want to be with him, and hold him, and touch him, and some nights I don’t want to let him go…………..
But we don’t talk, much, and he doesn’t show he cares, much, or maybe he does, but it’s HIS way, and not mine………
And do we laugh much, or enough, or at all, and when was the last time he made me laugh til I cried, or gave me a pain in my stomach, or made me feel really beautiful and special and needed………. because I need that, it’s not enough to be endured, I need to be enjoyed, every moment I give to him should be cherished…………..
And am I just upset tonight because he’s making time for his friends when he can never seem to make time for me, but why can’t he make time for me, or why doesn’t he want to, and if he doesn’t, then we shouldn’t be together, should we?
