Filed under: LOVE, Parents, Relationships, Single life, philosophy | Tags: beauty, boyfriend, character, colour, partner, philosophy, psychology, quirk, relationship
The best thing about my philosophy class is the opportunity to see things from other people’s points of view. There’s one guy in particular that fascinates me. He’s in his mid twenties, has a head of unruly dark hair, loves torn jeans and orange knitwear. He reads a lot and often quotes interesting and relevant material. A few weeks ago he said that while knowledge is about learning something new every day, wisdom is about letting something go. And last Thursday, as we discussed beauty, he made a really valid point:
Once we give something a name, we stop seeing it as beautiful. An example – a simple concrete block, to someone who had never seen one and had no idea what its function was, would see it as an object of interest and beauty. The clean lines, the rough material, the solid form. But when we see a concrete block, we know it’s a concrete block, and because it’s familiar we see past its beauty.
I think most people would agree that we forget to see the beauty that surrounds us. New belongings are a thrill to begin with, but the shine quickly fades and we lose sight of the qualities that attracted us to them in the first place. As far as I can tell, the same thing happens with relationships.
When you first meet someone you enjoy learning all about them. About their interests, their history, their quirks and character. You enjoy the attraction, the chemistry, the conversations. Over time, however, you can easily begin to see past their redeeming features, noticing instead the negative things you have learnt or recalling the not so wonderful experiences you have endured together. That person that once gave you butterflies slowly becomes the person who never takes the rubbish out, who is incapable of replacing the toilet roll, or who infuriates you with their inability to fold towels.
The Pirate and I, after months of single living, get on better than ever before. He’s stopped being the disappointing boyfriend, the unreliable chauffeur, the uninspiring confidante, and instead, he’s just become himself in my eyes. I can see him, unhindered by the expectations of love. He is who he is, and he’s wonderful. Now is probably the time to admit that there have been moments of romance since the breakup. They too are somehow more meaningful than ever before, possibly because the relationship we have now is open and honest in a way I couldn’t have previously imagined.
I think we’ve all had some experience of this. Moments when you realise that yes, your parents are human. That someone you’ve known your whole life is capable of things you never realised. That your partner or spouse is truly wonderful and incredibly beautiful, only you’re not always aware of it.
Ah, philosophy. Did I mention the guy in question is particularly cute? I think it’s the ripped jeans, and the fact that he’s not afraid of colour. And the wisdom, of course.
Open yourself up.
Filed under: LOVE, Literature, Relationships, philosophy | Tags: attention, audience, devotion, existence, lightness of being, literary fiction, Literature, LOVE, milan kundera, philosophy, prague, psychology, relationship
A few years ago I read The Unbearable Lightness of Being. It blew me away. It’s a novel by Milan Kundera set in Prague in 1968, and although I’m sure the book is of huge political and cultural importance I was most impressed by Kundera’s philosophy. His observations throughout the book provide an inspiring insight into the human mind.
Years later, I fell in love, devoted three years of my life to a certain beautiful person, and skipped the country when our relationship disintegrated. Months later we caught up and spent a night talking about ourselves, our love and our loss. One of the comments I made that night was that I felt at the time as if I had an invisible audience everywhere I went. I’m always looking for the approval or admiration of this group of fantasy critics.
Often, when I look back on a situation in my life where I behaved in a manner most people would describe as promiscuous/loud/irresponsible I can honestly say that I was just looking for a good story. Life is more interesting when you say ‘yes’, and an interesting life leads to interesting stories. My critics, immaterial as they are, love a good story.
Last night I watched The Unbearable Lightness of Being for the first time. It’s a beautiful film, and really captures the characters as they were written. Today I did a little more reading, and came across a quote that resonates deeply with me:
“We all need somebody to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public…
The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners…
Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark..
And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers.”
So I’m a dreamer. It’s a theory I’m going to keep in mind over the next while, as I’m sure it has practical applications in gaining a deeper understanding of those around us.
Which are you?
Filed under: Single life | Tags: alcohol, bank holiday, booze, cards, raconteurs, rockabilly, scrabble
I’m listening to a fab collection of old-school rockabilly tunes. I gave the Raconteurs a whirl earlier but it didn’t seem to be the right way to end the bank holiday weekend… rockabilly seems to fit the bill.
What a weekend it was. It’s always a relief when Tuesday comes along after a bank holiday; and Monday is a wonderful day to spend roasting dinner and playing Scrabble. No Scrabble takers today so we’re making do with cards and crosswords, to be followed later with a DVD marathon.
Quite a sedate finish to a weekend that started last Wednesday – five days of new friends, live music and… wait for it… moderate drinking!! Yes, the social drinker inside me has apparently given up the ghost, and I can gladly report that I spent five nights in the boozer without once reaching the boozy heights of old. Success!
I can honestly say that I had MORE fun this weekend than if I had been drinking at my normal speed. A revelation. I spoke to people whose names I now remember, looked after friends who were in need of looking after, and had a jolly time overall. Did I mention I spent around 70% less than usual?
Right now I can’t think of an argument in favour of drinking… why has it taken so many years to get to this point?!
Filed under: philosophy | Tags: aesthetic, beauty, happiness, heart, help, insight, opinion, philosophy, potential
Thursday evening is often the highlight of my week. It’s Philosophy night, and each week proves to be more thought-provoking than the last. Yesterday the main topic of conversation was Beauty – absolute beauty, or beauty itself, as opposed to the fleeting beauty of physical things.
Our tutor put forward the proposition that beauty is everywhere, in everything, and eternal. He made the point that beauty is everywhere, but sometimes we don’t see it. He gave an example of a septic tank - not generally recognised as an item of beauty, but certainly something that might be beautiful if seen through, for example, the eyes of a microbiologist.
I’ve been thinking about beauty a lot today, and I’m finding it difficult to simply accept his propositions as facts. That’s the wonderful thing about philosophy – instead of learning things that are scientific or true, we’re encouraged to explore all the possibilities of those things that can’t be measured or tested.
Beauty IS everywhere, as it is something that exists inside us and is reflected in the things around us. Beauty affects us by invoking an emotional response, creating happiness and opening our hearts. Beauty IS eternal, it has always existed and always will. But septic tanks? Even to a microbiologist, isn’t a septic tank more admirable due to its functionality, or interesting because of it’s content, than it is beautiful?
An interesting comment was made last night – that by defining things, and giving them names, we make the things around us less beautiful. An example was a simple concrete block – because we all recognise it, understand its function, and can name it, we are distracted from its true form. We might consider it beautiful if it was something we had never seen before. If this is true, then surely a septic tank is even less beautiful to a microbiologist who has an in depth understanding of its workings?
Just because beauty itself is everywhere, does that neccesarily mean that it is in everything? I can think of reasons why even disgusting things are of value in certain situations, even how things that strike us as ugly can be aesthetically pleasing to others. But Beauty – that beauty that opens the heart – I can’t imagine that it is present in everything.
Even if that beauty IS present in everything I’m not sure that I want to be able to recognise it. To see beauty in roadkill as easily as I see beauty in a sunset, or hear beauty in chaos as naturally as I hear it in a symphony. Wouldn’t that detract from our experience of beauty?
As I sit here with my laptop on my knee the sun is streaming through the sitting room window. This room, rarely recognised as a beautiful place, is lit up, the wooden chair across from me glowing in the late afternoon light. As the sun sets later this evening the view from that window is truly beautiful, as every day slowly ends in a subtly different way. The stars I can see from here on a clear night and the silhouette of the trees on the other side of the car park make me pause for a moment, aware of that happiness within, feeling my heart open up to the world.
I think everything has the potential to be beautiful. I think we could all begin to recognise the beauty around is if we simply took the time to see our surroundings with new eyes. I think by recognising beauty in the world around us, we become more beautiful ourselves, as our hearts open and fill with happiness.
I’d love to hear your views and thought on this… any insight is appreciated!
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships, Single life | Tags: argument, communication, crossword, education, language, modes of learning, ray lamontagne, study, wii
I was sitting here listening to Ray LaMontagne, about to get stuck into a crossword, when the boys arrived. The Pirate and his best mate are having a vigorous rowing match on the Wii before going to soccer later. Of course it’s normal and healthy to have different interests, but is there a point when those differences become too much?
I had a powerful insight into my relationship with The Pirate a few months ago. It was during another argument where I was getting increasingly frustrated because he would barely speak to me. He’d shrug, or nod, or grunt, or ask ‘What do you want me to say?’ That argument, and many others, were never resolved – simply because we found it impossible to communicate.
I realised that it was a problem we’d never solve. And I realised that there’s a straightforward reason for it: we learn and operate in different ways.
I’m really interested in how we learn – the mechanisms and techniques that we use to intake and store information. I’m a firm believer in the ‘modes of learning’ that the Accelerated Learning method is based on. Bear with me while I quickly explain:
The 8 Modes:
Linguistic – good with language and words, learn well from books, words, conversations
Mathematical/Logical – good with numbers and logic, money, problem-solving
Visual/Spatial – learn well from maps, diagrams, charts; possibly artistic
Naturalistic – enjoy the outdoors, care for the environment, learn well from ‘big picture’ explanations
Bodily/Physical – good with hands, possibly athletic, learn well from touching, feeling and doing
Musical – sense of rhythm and rhyme, learn well through music and rhyme
Interpersonal – enjoy being with others, learn well in study group or by giving presentations etc.
Intrapersonal – learn from own experience and mistakes, find it easy to motivate self
We all use the various modes – but some will be more dominant than others. As far as Accelerated Learning is concerned, having an understanding of which learning modes are your most dominant will help you to learn more effectively and get more enjoyment out of studying. For example, someone who is Physical/Bodily will benefit from field trips and hands-on practice much more than from reading or watching presentations.
I believe that these learning modes affect other areas of our lives too. I’m Linguistic – I’ve always loved reading, writing and talking and find it easy to learn from the written and spoken word. It seems that in a relationship I need verbal (or written!) reassurance of love.
I’m starting to believe that a lot of the problems couples have come down to the differences in how they learn. The Pirate is bodily/physical in his work, in his interests, and in his communication. I’m linguistic in almost all aspects of my life, and I never heard the words I needed to from him.
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships | Tags: alcohol, breakup, drunkeness, ex, lover, personality
I’m listening to Missy Higgins and the sound of the washing machine. I’ve designated today housework day, and retreated to my blog as an avoidance technique.
I had a fascinating conversation with a drunken Pirate last night. He got home at around 2.30am slightly the worse for wear and poured his heart out for an hour and a half. He had many reasons for being unhappy before we broke up, and I was completely unaware of most of them until the wee hours of this morning.
It’s a strange thing, to listen to someone list your faults and analyse your personality defects. I wasn’t angry, maybe because I know him too well to take him seriously when he’s drunk. I have a sneaking suspicion that last night was meant to be my opportunity to apologise and redeem myself somehow in his eyes so that we could get back together… but I have no interest in rekindling our romance, whatever the reasons for its failure were.
Of course I’m going to share his complaints as well as I can remember them:
1. I’ve had too many lovers.
I’ve never told him how many lovers I’ve had, but answered the question with ’Do you really want to know?’ It was obviously an issue of major concern for him as he had a look at one of my diaries months ago - I don’t know exactly what he found – and came to the conclusion that there have been ‘too many.’
2. He doesn’t like the process through which I choose my lovers.
There is no ‘process’. He was referring to a very, very drunken episode last week when he saw me flirting with a couple of men, and decided that’s how I choose who to share my bed with. It’s not. Although I’ve had more lovers than him, they’ve all meant something to me.
3. He thinks I cheated on him.
I didn’t. He’s been harbouring these doubts for a long time, and I know they had a serious effect on our relationship – I could feel his anger but never understood it. I was faithful to him physically and emotionally, in that I never even considered being with anybody else while we were together.
4. I’m (his words) too footloose and fancy-free for him.
I love to travel, to sing, to dance, to talk, to meet people, to drink too much and laugh too loudly. I love this world and everything about it. I embrace the people and the opportunities that present themselves to me, and every day I’m glad to be alive. I think this is a problem for him.
He had another few comments to make. He tried to make a bet with me about my future – that if I ever got married, I’d get divorced. He said that he feels sorry for me because I’m insecure and demand the attention of men. He said he was sorry, and he’d made a mistake. He told me how phenomenally beautiful I am. He told me he was jealous, because I’m moving on and he’s not. He told me he kissed a girl last night, and she bit his tongue.
These are the things you get to enjoy when you live with your ex-boyfriend. The Pirate was never a talker, but he’s opened up since the breakup. I’m gaining an understanding of the dynamics of our relationship that were a mystery to me while we were together.
Of course, I’m learning about myself too. I wasn’t angry last night (a little upset by the divorce bet) and I was impressed at how well I distanced myself from all the negative emotion. The only thing on my mind today is his comment about insecurity. I do have a tendency to surround myself with men when I’m drinking, and I’ve often tried to figure out why.
It’s something I’m not going to get into today – I can hear that the washing machine is almost at the end of its cycle, and I’ve done enough thinking for a Sunday morning.
I’d love to hear about your alcohol-induced personality changes, disorders and defects. Please share.
Filed under: Single life | Tags: behaviour, drunkeness, education, housemates, philosophy, romance, sobriety
I’ve been avoiding this blog lately, probably because I haven’t wanted to sit down and think about the emotions and experiences of the last few weeks.
But lo, Chris at A Free Man generously awarded me with a tap from his royal scepter a few days ago, and I’ve found the motivation to tap out my thoughts once again. Who is Chris? Does he even own a royal scepter? These are questions that are of no concern to me, as it’s simply nice to realise that there are people out there who read this thing on occasion.
I have to admit that there has been nothing royal about my behaviour recently, and even a tap with a royal scepter is unlikely to redeem my actions. The best explanation I can give is that I’ve been living the life of a drunken 16 year old the last few weeks. Especially the drunken part. It’s been a blur of nights out, nights in, cheap beer and straight vodka. So much so that I’m starting to feel disconnected from myself and the ‘real world’ around me.
I’m glad to announce that today is the day I sober up and get on with things. First on the agenda is an update on the romance front: There has been no romance. The Sage and I are still in touch, he’s as wonderful as ever, and it’s a friendship that will last. The Pirate (my ex-boyfriend) and I are still comfortably cohabiting, and we’ve had a couple of new arrivals to the household to shake things up a little.
First up is our very own Femme Fatale. She’s French, she’s 23, she’s intelligent, beautiful, and dangerous. Dangerous in the sense that she manages to convice me that straight vodka is a good idea after a few beers. We connected instantly, and I’m sure that we’re going to get one another into all sorts of trouble over the next few months.
Next is South-African Napoleon Dynamite. He’s too tall for his thin frame, his teeth are too long and his braces are fighting a losing battle, and he never leaves his room. When does he eat? The Femme Fatale finds his shy nature challenging, and is doing everything she can to get him to socialise with us. He’s terrified.
The Pirate is happy with his new housemates. He thinks the Femme and I are very similar, and I’m inclined to agree. We share a disinterest in TV, a love of International Cinema, and a disregard for conformity that makes us very compatible. Happy families.
In other news:
I mentioned before that I relish the freedom single life offers, and the potential for adventure suits me more that the security of a relationship ever has. The next adventure might be education – for the first time in years I’m seriously considering college in 2009. Philosophy or Psychology, maybe.
Once again thanks to A Free Man and his imaginary stick. I’m glad to be awake, sober, alive and writing.
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships, Single life | Tags: lesson, new man, relationship, romance, sage, The One
The Sage and I parted company this morning after a wonderful weekend together.
I feel a little lost without him beside me now, knowing that I won’t see him for weeks or months. The distance between us, and our clashing schedules, are the only two things that prevented our weekend from being perfect.
I described him in the last post as a friend who has the potential to be much more than that. Things are the same now - there’s still potential, but I don’t think it will be realised anytime soon. We talked, a lot, about the feelings we have for each other. It was wonderful to hear my own thoughts being spoken from his lips – times we’ve shared and memories we have that mean a lot to us both.
A friend of mine told me years ago that he believed everything in life came down to timing. I agree. If The Sage and I were in another place, at another time, this would be the start of a relationship. But we’re here, and it’s simply the continuation of an exceptional friendship. Neither of us can know if it will ever develop beyond that, and we’ve both accepted it for what it is.
There have been a few amazing men in my life over the last few years, and quite a few similar situations. I think it’s important not to dwell on the ‘could haves’ – relationships that never had the chance to develop due to the constraints of time or distance. Instead, I embrace the fact that there isn’t just One. There are Many.
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships, Single life | Tags: lingerie, new man, simple life, weekend, worries
After rereading yesterday’s post, those are the words that stood out. ‘Just Be.’ Why? Because I’ve spent all day tying myself up in knots about our weekend together!
Tomorrow is the beginning. I’m meeting him a couple of hours from here, staying in his place tomorrow night, and catching a very early plane with him on Friday morning. Yeah, sounds great. Good plan.
It’s all the unplanned things that are causing stress today. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard – I’m going to be myself, dress in clothes I’m comfortable in, drink in the afternoon and generally kick back for the few days. But… I don’t want to look like I’m not willing to make an effort either!
The biggest concern? Underwear. Lingerie, if you will. WHAT is the correct attire for a weekend away with a man who is really just a friend but has the potential to be something more?! I don’t want to overdo it, but I’m equally as reluctant to underdo it.
I also volunteered to book accommodation. He has enough to organise, and I’d spotted somewhere that seemed perfect. That was easy too, until I had to choose between a double and a twin room! Because we’ve shared beds in the past, a double is the obvious choice. But I’ve thought about it so much I’ve managed to confuse myself…
So, tomorrow, I’m going to relax. The aim? To get my thoughts and worries the hell out of my way so I can have some fun this weekend. Life really is quite simple, when you let it be.
