Filed under: LOVE, Relationships, Single life | Tags: first kiss, moving on, pirate, sage
When we broke up, I liked the idea of The Pirate hanging around for a while. Most people think the fact that we live together is strange, but it’s given us the opportunity to get to know each other as friends again. I know myself well enough at this stage to realise that I’d think about him a lot more if I didn’t see him - the fact that we see each other regularly means I’m not spending my time wondering where he is or who he’s with.
I also thought it would be nice to ease back into single life – with the pirate still living here, I’m not going to adopt anyone from the pub or host late night get togethers that could lead to trouble.
With these practical measures in place, I was all set to enjoy a few months of being alone. My life was bound to be a man-free zone for the foreseeable future.
So it’s with some surprise that I’m writing this tonight – a post about the magical, romantic weekend that still has my head spinning. I mentioned a wise friend of mine a while ago. This weekend, we’re more than just friends.
The Sage lives and works a couple of hours away from here, so we email often and rendezvous when we can. We had dinner on Saturday night, not a ‘date’ but simply a need to eat. We talked, the way we do, and I began to realise that from the moment our friendship began a few months ago he was the person I wanted to see most. We have a few friends in common, and when we meet them all we do is talk to each other – nobody else matters.
As the night drew on we grew physically closer – leaning in to hear one another’s words, hands on arms, arms on waists, until finally we were standing face-to-face and there was a lull in the conversation. We both knew what would happen next, but let the moment hang in the air, enjoying it. That kiss was incredible. His warm breath on my skin, the gentle touch of his hands, the space between us electrified.
I’m not going to mention the rest of the night, but I will say that I always think the first kiss with someone new is a hint at what is yet to come. That kiss was genuine. Sensitive. Slow. Satisfying.
We won’t see each other for a few weeks, but I don’t mind. I’m still letting The Pirate go, and I need space and time to do it.
I LOVE saving money. I love spending it too; but I’m only ever really happy with a purchase if I consider it a bargain. I’m still working on making the box room feel like my bedroom, and I’ve decided to paint the wooden bedside locker white to brighten it up a little.
I was shopping earlier today for paint and brushes when I came across a lovely bunch of dried flowers in shades of blue and green. The lovely shop assistant gave them to me for nothing, making the €16 I did spend all the more worthwhile.
The house now smells like white spirit and fresh paint. I’m sitting on the couch waiting for the first coat of undercoat to dry, wearing a pirate bandana to keep the hair out of my face. Yeah, I could take it off for a few hours, but the fancy dress element of my headgear is making this feel like a much bigger adventure than it really is.
I’m enjoying the project so much I was inspired to join a local Freecycle group – you never know what treasures other people might discard. Arrr.
Filed under: LOVE, Relationships | Tags: alcohol, beer belly, break-up, drugs, LOVE, violence
One of those nights when only the realisation that my tea has gone cold denotes the passing of time.
I feel as if I may have cheated you with the short excerpt from M’s life earlier. I don’t have many details about the last episode that I can share, but I can give you some background. M’s dalliance with her ex/fiance (from now on referred to as J) began around 4 years ago.
4 years of will they, won’t they, on again, off again. 4 years of tension, arguments, disagreements, alcohol and drugs. 4 years of emotional distress, fading self-confidence and a desperate desire to be loved. Really LOVED.
I’m lucky enough to have been truly, deeply loved once. I’ve had songs written about me, notes left on my pillow, a whole catalogue of in-jokes. I know what she wants, I understand what she craves. J has no idea. J is in his mid-thirties, unemployed, and living rent-free with a mate. He has a child from a previous relationship whom he consistently ignores, forgets and avoids. J has debts and drug issues and, as we’re discovering, a tendency to deal with issues using violence.
‘Use your words.’ Not something we should ever have to ask of grown men.
I know that love isn’t perfect. The fantasy might involve white horses and gallant knights (or at least a steady income and GSOH) but in reality, love sometimes lives at home with its mother, changes its underwear once a week and carries the beginnings of a beer belly with pride. I’m aware of all this, and aware that M needs to make her own choices (and mistakes), but a huge part of me wants to forbid her from going back to J.
Yes, that’s right – after all that’s happened, she still wants to be with him. I think she sees his violent outburst as the declaration of undying love she’s been waiting so long for.
I don’t want to begin to imagine what he might get her for Valentine’s.
Filed under: LOVE, Single life | Tags: bedroom, break-up, ex, family, pirate, violence
I’ve mentioned the breakup. It was amicable. The aftermath has been wonderful. The Pirate and I realised, a long time ago, that we’re not ’soulmates’. What we were then, and are now, is housemates.
I’ve moved back into the small bedroom (because I love the cheap rent, and because his huge TV wouldn’t fit in there anyway) and I’ve decided it’s time to make it feel like mine. I’ve been telling myself for the past year that my situation here is temporary; that I might get back on a plane and jet off into the sunset at any moment. Now I’m glad to realise that life here is worth sticking around for, and it’s time to make this house a home.
I’ve been picking up beautiful things this week, and reluctantly deciding whether they go in the office or in the house. Both places are starting to feel inhabited. Loved, even.
I spent the weekend with my wonderful grandfather again. It’s scary how some people in your life can fall by the wayside when one person is on the receiving end of most of your love and affection. I think I’m a better person when I’m single – more generous with my time, and my feelings.
The Pirate is fine. We chatted last night when I got home, sitting on his bed drinking Capri Sun. The main topic of conversation was my friend M, whose life is a soap opera. Her ex-boyfriend became her fiance for a brief moment on Saturday night. Yesterday he hospitalised the man M had been seeing since the break-up.
Somehow I think he wasn’t the right man for her.
Filed under: LOVE, Single life | Tags: break-up, LOVE, pirate, rebirth, single
There have been a few tears, a lot of laughter and numerous pots of tea this past week. All steps along the way to readjusting to single life, I suppose.
Truthfully, it’s been a magical week. I’ve woken up every morning ready to embrace the day, and enjoyed every moment. Ice cream in the park, alone. Lunch in town, alone. Reading all the books I’ve been meaning to. Smiling at strangers. Laughing out loud at… the weather, other people’s children, life.
I spent a few days with my wonderful grandfather, and was grateul for the fact that I could really give my attention to him the way he needed. In fact, I’ve been able to give myself more fully to everything this week - I have no distractions, no plans, no commitments.
I feel as if life is an adventure again. And that’s exactly what life should be.
I don’t want security, I don’t want romance, I don’t want monogamy. I just want to live every moment to the full, enjoy all my friends as I should, and treasure my family for the wonderful people that they are.
I might sound like I’m over-dramatising the situation when I say I feel ‘reborn’ – but it’s the only way I can describe this wonderful sense of freedom and energy that I have. People have commented that I’m glowing, and I feel as if I am.
Filed under: LOVE | Tags: boyfriend, breakup, future, LOVE, mystery, the end
I’ve been doubting our future since May. Last night a wise friend told me that I’d already made my decision – that even spelling my name out in the stars shouldn’t make a difference at this point.
So I spoke to The Pirate this morning, and far from making romantic gestures or proclaiming his everlasting love, he agreed. Neither of us wants to get to the point where we hate one another, and it looks like things were heading that way.
And we agreed that it’s over. That we’ve had some great times, but that we don’t have a future. That we want to be friends, and nothing more.
And I’ve been at peace with the decision, and the consequences, all day. I realised a long time ago that security is an illusion – nothing in our lives is set in stone. My life today is no different to yesterday; my future is still a mystery, and the path I take will still be an adventure.
The Pirate, and our year together, will always stay with me. My love for him, and his for me, will always be part of our lives.
Relationships can get to the point where whether you admit it or not, it’s over. We could have another few months, years even, but it’s already over.
Yeah, sometimes it’s not what you do that counts, it’s what you don’t do. We go nice places, we eat out for dinner, I take photos that make us look interesting.
We don’t talk. We don’t touch, much. We don’t laugh as much as we should, or smile as easily as we used to.
Every word that passes between us is infused with indifference.
The only passionate exchanges we have lately are arguments, and even then the passion is one-sided. He barely says a word, answers almost every question with ‘I don’t know’, and grits his teeth until I give up and walk away.
Walk away.
